Home
by hrlo
Summary: **Final chpt up!** A talk with Liz finally makes Jess realise why Stars Hollow is truly home. Traces of Literati with hints of the Jess/Luke dynamic, but it's mainly a Jess story. R&R please!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing, absolutely nothing, which is just so incredibly sad except for the fact that I really don't wish to get sued henceforth you don't see me trying to take credit for this whole thing. Well, the story's mine, and so is the one original (somewhat) character here, Meg, but that's all. Really.

Author's Note, Part 1: Okay, I know this is a little similar in premise to another story that's on FanFiction.net, but I've refrained from reading the other one, so hopefully there really won't be too many similarities… Would greatly appreciate all comments though!!!

Author's Note, Part 2: Takes place after Jess returns to New York, and what causes him to go back to Stars Hollow. You might want to read another one-off fic that I did, "Trouble", before reading this, though it's not entirely necessary. My first multi-chapter fic, so please read, (hopefully) enjoy, and R&R!!! :0)

Home

Jess held in his hand his set of keys—those familiar keys he had had no reason to use for the past six months—_Or has it been longer?_ Now, he stood before the same old scratched door, the apartment number still loose and hanging upside down by the lone screw left. He hadn't told her he was coming back; he hadn't expected her to meet him at the bus station either, nor prepare in any way for his return.

He shoved the key into the lock and turned, feeling it resist until the same old jiggle got it open. It had been that way for as long as he could remember; the same applied when he swung the door open and saw the mess.

Liz never cleaned up after herself; in his absence, the apartment had got even worse, if that was at all possible. The resignation setting in, he hefted up his bag, stepping into the tiny space, not bothering about the cardboard cartons and articles of Liz's clothing as he trampled over them and into his room.

The room was dimly lit, what little sunlight that could find its way down to the window filtered out by the layer of dust that had settled there. It was completely bare. All his things—and literally, all his belongings—were at Luke's, save for what he now carried with him. Jess was, as a matter of fact, mildly surprised the crap filling the rest of the apartment hadn't overflowed into the room. But Liz was probably way too drunk to even think of using Jess's room to dump her crap in.

Jess snorted slightly in derision, slinging his bag onto the bare mattress. Nothing had changed. Liz was probably still at the pub, doing her shift. Either that or flirting with the latest customer. The apartment was cold, empty, devoid of life, except maybe of the insect variety. Nothing had changed.

He stalked out of the place, trampling over half-eaten pizzas and moth-eaten clothes again on his way out. Slamming the door shut, he trod down the narrow stairs, and out into the bustling Brooklyn street, with at least some activity going on down there. He knew that if he cared to, he could easily find his old buds hanging out amongst the alleys and corners along the streets, but he didn't care to. Instead, he strode past all the huddled groups, some consisting of kids barely half his own age, his head down as he let his legs take him by instinct and memory to where he wanted to be.

__

God, I hope it's still there, he thought as he turned the corner, knowing just how many times it had been on the verge of disappearing amongst the countless struggling shops of Brooklyn. He cast that doubt aside, believing that it _had_ to still be there, or else…

He finally turned into the right street, and breathed a small sigh of relief when he spotted that old weather-beaten sign. _It's still here, then._ He stopped outside the door for a moment, savouring the memory of the place, before stepping up to the door and gently pushing it open.

The windchime on the door tinkled pleasantly, as the comforting smell of musty books wafted across to him. The air within was cool yet comforting, the store crammed full of books yet well-lit without being utterly garish. The warmth and familiarity all came back to him as a smile threatened to creep upon Jess Mariano's sullen features.

A figure suddenly stepped out of one of the tiny aisles, arms full of books, and that smile instantaneously blossomed into a full-on grin that stretched from ear to ear. The woman gasped in surprise, the delight showing in her delicate features, as she dumped the books down on the counter, and went forward to embrace him.

Jess gladly hugged her back, delighted to feel that familiar warmth, as he casually greeted, "Hey, Aunt Meg."

A frown appeared on the plump old lady's face as she shot back, lightly smacking him on the arm, "Don't you 'Hey Aunt Meg' me, young man. I thought I told you to visit!"

Sheepishly, Jess scuffed the edge of his sneakers against the scarred hardwood floor, as he mumbled, "Well, I've been busy with… other things."

Aunt Meg gasped knowingly, as the teasing smile returned. "Oh, I see… Small Connecticut town _distractions_… Well, we all know about _those_, now don't we?"

Jess groaned slightly as he tried not to let his face turn pink. "Meg, it's not that sort of thing. 'Sides, she's already got herself a boyfriend."

"Well, not for long, I'm sure, knowing you," she teased again, picking up the books she'd left on the counter, and going to reshelve them. "So how has the small town life treated you? Not badly, I hope?"

Jess shook his head as he replied, "Oh, yes badly. Badly enough that I'm back." He detailed all his gripes to her, from Taylor to the insane school to the countless idiotic town festivals to the crazy folk who patronised the diner. Then he got to Rory Gilmore. He fell silent at that point, deep in thought, remembering the circumstances that brought him back.

Meg gazed at him, eyes full of wisdom and understanding, as she asked, "This girl is really something special to you, isn't she?"

The corner of Jess's mouth turned up as he softly answered, "Yeah." He stopped for awhile but Meg said nothing, so he continued. "I mean, it's not just because she was nice to me—although she _was_ the only person in town to be nice to me—and it wasn't just because she loves to read almost as much as me. I mean, if that were the case, I'd be totally in love with you already."

Aunt Meg smacked him on the arm again as she shot back, "Oh, stop flirting with me already, Jess Mariano. You know I can't afford to give you any more discounts."

Jess laughed a little as he retorted, "Damn, you found me out." He chuckled again, then got serious as he continued. "But Rory… there's just something so different about her. There's this light in her eyes every time I look at her… an innocence mixed with a worldly wisdom, this desire to embrace life, yet hesitant to leave all that she knows…" He cringed inwardly, knowing how ridiculous he sounded. "I know it's stupid, but…"

"Oh, I know what you mean," Aunt Meg stated matter-of-factly. "I know that look you're talking about. I've seen it before," she said, looking pointedly at Jess.

Jess groaned again as he said, "Aunt Meg, you know I was NOT that innocent little boy you thought I was when I first walked in here—"

"Yes you were," Meg firmly held, as she walked back to the counter, perching herself atop the stool behind it. "Now, tell me this, Jess. This girl, the way you describe her, the look in your eyes when you talk about her—" Jess frowned again, but Meg continued. "It looks to me like that was reason enough for you to stay on. What happened?"

Jess leaned against the counter, looking at his intertwined fingers, before detailing the incident. Aunt Meg kept silent all this while, not interrupting, as she listened intently to the boy.

"… I figured I'd probably be burned at the stake after that, so there really was no point in staying," Jess finished, his account matter-of-fact and distant. But he forgot the woman to whom he was telling all this had, after all, watched him grow up in this very store.

"You were afraid she'd blame you too."

He looked up, a little surprised. "What?"

"That's why you came back. You knew everyone there hated you, and you thought she would too, after you crashed the car her boyfriend made her."

"Wow, would you look at that? It's late already."  


"It's not even seven. You were afraid to find out whether she really loved her boyfriend, so you ran away."

"You hungry yet, Aunt Meg? I'm still craving for the pizza from that place near here…"

"Was it all worth hating, Jess? Did everyone hate you, or what you made yourself out to be?"

"I could call them to order, you know. I think they have delivery…"

"What about your uncle Luke? Did _he_ hate you too?"

"Or maybe I could just go over. After all, it's just a block away."

"He didn't hate you, did he? And neither did any of the others in that town. They just hated what you seemed to be, they hated the person you made yourself out to be."

"They hated me because I was different! And I _am_ different from those loonies!"

"They didn't really hate you, Jess. You're different, yes, but it doesn't mean that they'd hate you just for that. You didn't want them to like you either, right?"

Jess had nothing to say to Meg's reasoning, and only kept his eyes averted, staring out at the street beyond the plate glass window.

"You know your uncle didn't hate you. You know half those people wouldn't hate you either if you hadn't intentionally done something to them. So the question is, why'd you come back to a city where no one cares for you, rather than stay in a town where people _do_ care?"  


The windchime on the door tinkled again then, signalling the entrance of a new customer. Meg frowned, looking down at the stubborn boy, before saying, "I'll be right back, Jess." She turned her attention towards the gentleman in the suit, leaving Jess alone at the counter, contemplative and deep in thought.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: My life is already utterly miserable without "Gilmore Girls" on the air down here, and with the fact that I'm in love with a guy (Jess) who doesn't exist and whose heart belongs to someone else, and you STILL want to taunt me with the fact that I own nothing??? *sob*

Author's note: Sorry, but I won't have the chance to update all that often. It might really be a long while before I put up another chapter. In the meantime, do send in your reviews!! They are much appreciated…

***

Meg shut the door behind the last customer, locking it. Jess had disappeared into the aisles after she'd ended their conversation, and she now found him in the corner, reading Dickens yet again. She leaned against the shelf, waiting for him to look up again.

"You know, you've read that copy of 'Oliver Twist' so many times that I can't get anyone to buy it anymore," she said, indicating the tattered and torn novel he held.

"Sorry," Jess said distractedly, his eyes finally leaving the book without having really read it.

Meg stepped closer to him, sitting down beside him and resting her hand upon his knee, before he finally asked, "Earlier, you said no one in the city cares for me—"

"You know I care for you, Jess," she assured him. "And your mother does too—" Jess looked at her incredulously. "—In her own way, she does, Jess Mariano." She sighed softly, then continued. "But in this city, you can be hurt so easily, much more easily than you'd care to admit. Now, I can't always protect you here, you know that. But in that town—"

"I'll be the one people need protection from," Jess finished, laughing ruefully.

"No, honey, you know that's not true."

"Isn't it?" he exclaimed. "You know, Rory's mother was right at least. I care for her, but whatever I do just seems to _hurt_ her. And now I have hurt her."

"Don't be silly, my boy," Meg reassured. "I've known you since you were this high,—" She indicated a level just above her head (they were, after all, sitting) "—and I know you wouldn't intentionally hurt a fly." She watched Jess as he took that in, then continued. "In that town, you've got people who care for you. Rory won't hate you even after this, and your uncle Luke certainly wouldn't either. He didn't make you come back here, did he?"

Stuck, Jess reluctantly replied, "No."

"Tell me, Jess, honestly. What have you got back here in New York to come back to?"

Jess had nothing to reply to that, only sitting in silence as Meg patted him on the knee again and slowly stood, walking back to the counter to tally up the day's sales.

***

Jess Mariano could not sleep that night. A sliver of moonlight found its way down to his room, and the light it cast was grey, murky. He heard Liz stumbling around in the dark outside. She had barely acknowledged him when he first returned. His stomach growled; he hadn't bought that pizza after all.

He turned over, hoping to feel more comfortable, but the old mattress scratched him as he did so. The thin cotton sheet he'd laid out was not of much help. He heard the sound of a cat screeching as a garbage can toppled over; the noise did not end there as a dog started barking incessantly. Agitated, he got up, slamming the window shut, and almost regretted it instantaneously. Now, with the air flow gone, his room was warm and stuffy.

He tried to ignore the humidity as he went back to bed. It got to him within minutes, as he peeled off his already-sweat-drenched shirt. It only made things worse, as now he could feel the scratchy, rough material of the mattress more acutely through his back. He got up again, pulling open the window once more and yanking down the shade, hoping it could at least help to filter out the noise. It barely worked.

He groaned in frustration, before turning and leaving his room, headed for the kitchen. He spotted Liz on the couch again, passed out, an empty bottle in one hand and the burning butt of a cigarette in the other. Annoyed, he took the smouldering butt from her fingers and ground it out on the ashtray. "You're gonna burn the building down one day, Lizzy," he muttered angrily under his breath, before returning to the kitchen.

He pulled open the refrigerator door, examining its meagre contents. A mouldy sandwich, a slice of pizza, and an empty can of beer was all that remained. He sighed, leaning his head against the arm that propped open the door for a moment, letting the cold air rush over him, cooling him down, before swinging the door shut again. He grabbed a relatively clean glass from the countertop, then filled it with water, before taking it with him as he returned to his room.

He pulled the shade up, defeated in his attempts to sleep, and climbed out the window onto the fire escape. He sat down, leaning against the rough brick wall, looking up at the half-moon as he took a sip of water_. It's Thursday night… What would she be doing now?_

Then, he remembered. _Movie night… Right. Wonder if she's enjoying it._ Then he reminded himself that this was, after all, Rory Gilmore. The girl even enjoyed doing homework. He smiled at the memory of her face, the soft, delicate features, the bright blue eyes, full of wonder and enthusiasm, the sofy, silky brown hair that perfectly framed her face…

That look of amazement and surprise when he had returned her the first book he had "borrowed"…

The annoyance yet urge to laugh when she discovered who had drawn the chalk outline that so infuriated Taylor… 

The hunger and enthusiasm as they'd discussed all things literary on that day on the bridge, and after…

The lost, pleading face as she searched for her bracelet—

And who could forget the crumpled look on her face when she realised how badly wrecked her car was.

__

Forget her, Mariano, he told himself. _It's all better this way._

***

A/N: Once again, sorry, but the next chapter will take some time to come, real busy with all things to do with real life. But hey, see that little scroll button down there? Go, click on it and submit a review! It would be greatly appreciated, and might tempt me back sooner! :0)


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Nope, still own nothing…

Author's note: A very late third chapter, and it's be a bit short, but more is on the way, I promise! Next chapters should be up by next week, and the whole story could be done in another fortnight, but I can't quite guarantee anything, it all depends on the erratic flow that is my writing… In the meantime, do R&R please! :0) By the way, I have never actually been to NYC before, so comments, especially with regard to accuracy, are greatly appreciated!!!

***

Jess spent the weekend in morose solitude, avoiding the old hangouts of his friends. He always kept a book by his side, as he roamed the streets of New York, pensive and sometimes losing track of where he went. He stopped by Meg's at least once a day, picking up the occasional book which he'd yet to read, before proceeding to the nearby Washington Square Park to read in silence. It had never really been a haunt of his in the pre-Stars Hollow days, but he loved it there. It was quieter than other parks, visited only by New Yorkers, and almost had a quaint air to it. He had a favourite bench there too, just at the edge of the park, facing within, the view of the entire park before him when he sat there—it made him think of the bridge.

Monday soon came around, but Jess took no notice. With Liz so very much the way she was, his old school had yet to be informed of his return to the city. He figured he probably had a couple of weeks before they got his transcripts from Stars Hollow, and got round to calling the apartment, so his life settled into a daily pattern in the time he had when school was a non-issue. He'd awaken late, grab whatever leftovers there were from his previous night's dinner, head out, and pop by Meg's for a few hours, before grabbing lunch from the hot dog stand a block away, then heading out to the park. Sometimes, the order changed, but his daily activities were regular nonetheless. There was the odd visit to the various music stores he patronised, including a return to the little hole he'd dubbed Championship Vinyl in his mind. His nights would then consist of buying dinner back to the apartment, where he'd dine alone before leaving something for Liz and something for himself the next day. He read at night too, of course, out on the fire escape by the light of the street lamp, or in bed when the weather prevented him from sitting outside. 

He tried not to think of Stars Hollow too much, yet she always crept bad into his mind. She was a figure always on the edge of his consciousness, and she often had a companion. Much as he'd rather have it otherwise, he'd hated leaving them the way he did, one without a word, the other, with more hurt than he should ever have felt. He tried to keep himself as occupied as he could, but their faces still drifted into his mind when a phrase in a book provoked the memory, or the familiar sight of a cap on the head of some random stranger, or even when he just emptied his mind of all thoughts, and they crept right into that void. He hated the way he felt when this happened, yet he missed the memories. What Meg had said still stuck with him, but they both gingerly avoided the topic when he went by the store.

Tuesday was when it all began to change again. He went by the store in the afternoon, only to find Meg inundated with a rather large flock of customers, some impatiently waiting at the cash register, others badgering her with queries. Jess quickly strode to the counter, wordlessly taking over the task of ringing up the purchases, while Meg tended to the enquiring customers. Ten minutes later, the rush was finally abated, and Meg slid behind the counter, exhausted as she perched herself on the stool behind the counter. Jess was somewhat overwhelmed; even the diner had never had a rush like that before.

"It get like that often?"

"No, not usually," Meg replied, still tired from dealing with the crowd.

"Think you'll need help?"

Meg arched an eyebrow in surprise, turning to face him. "Are you offering, Jess Mariano?"

"New York's only got so much for me to do…"

"Well, well, well, never thought I'd see the day when Jess Mariano had nothing to do in this big city," Meg teased, a warm grin spread across her soft features.

"I'm not too sure I'm the same Jess Mariano New York knew." His eyes connected with the searching ones of the woman who had always been Aunt Meg. It chilled her to recognise the lost, pleading look in his eyes.

"Well, didn't you go there to change?"

"I didn't even _want_ to go there, Aunt Meg." Jess pushed himself away from the counter, looking more directly at Meg. "I didn't want to change."  
  
"But you know you did. And I don't think you can actually tell me you changed for the worse."

Jess didn't have to reply at all. Meg only looked at the boy in the kind, gentle manner she'd always looked at him with, then softened her tone, and said, "I've got a new shipment of books in the back. You wanna go shelve them?"

She saw the relief and gratitude in his eyes as he silently went around her, officially starting his job.

***

A/N: Like it? Hate it? See that "Go" button down there? CLICK!!! :0) Reviews and comments are truly appreciated… And I promise, the next update will be longer…


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Hmm, has anything changed? Well, my exams are over, I'm FINALLY free, and have been catching up on tonnes of lost sleep… Huh? Disclaimer? Oh, right. Still own nothing. See, THAT hasn't changed.

Author's note: Aiyiyiyiyi… this part of the fic provided some of the greatest challenges I had writing it… (It still ain't completely done, let's hope I haven't just jinxed it) So really, truly, your comments are greatly appreciated. Marie, and all the others as well, sorry I couldn't update earlier, thanks for your comments, but I REALLY had no choice but to stay offline. And Neurotic Glory, thanks for your reviews too, Jess's return to Stars Hollow will come with time… To the rest, R&R please, greatly appreciated!

***

The work gave him a distraction in the day. Fully immersed in his newfound job, it plugged up all the holes in his time that could have let him start drifting back there. It didn't fill al his time, though. Meg only needed so much help, and he knew she couldn't afford to pay him the rate she had insisted on if he worked, or rather, stayed there all day. Every time he sat in the park, or walked to the music stores, or stood on the subway, he looked forward to his afternoon shift at the store. That occupied his mind too. It was all he could do to keep from driving himself over the edge.

His carefully-structured days almost imploded a little over a week later. He was shelving and reorganising again when the windchime tinkled gently. It was still early in the afternoon yet, and the rush wasn't due in, so he stayed hidden in the aisles, working. Then he heard the voice.

It was a light, cheery, sweet sound that floated along to him. Instantly, it brought him right back to her. He stopped, listening, and running through the likelihood that it was… _No, it couldn't possibly be,_ he told himself. But curiosity got the better of him, and he quickly shoved the last book in place, venturing forth from the back of the store to investigate.

He emerged from amongst the shelves, and his heart skipped a beat. There she was, dressed in jeans and a simple T-shirt, her back to him, gazing intently at the titles on another shelf. Her long chestnut brown hair was sleek and shiny as ever, loose around her shoulders. Without even realising it, her name crept to his lips, whispered softly.

She turned around, and Jess snapped back to reality.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?"

Her features were all wrong. Her nose was too long, the cheekbones too angular, her chin too sharp… And her eyes were green.

"No, just…" He fumbled, trying to cover his tracks. "If you need anything, I'll be right there." He forced a small smile, indicating the counter.

The girl gave him a strange look, and mirrored his smile, then turned back to the books.

Jess mentally kicked himself as he turned away from the girl. He'd really let his imagination run away with him this time; a second glance showed that the girl hardly resembled Rory, even from the back. She was too bony, too tan, and her hair looked dry as straw. Admittedly, another time, he might have tried to chat her up, but now…

He saw Meg staring at him, a smirk that she'd picked up from him now creeping upon her face. He knew she had seen everything from the counter. He tried to play it cool, forcing nonchalance on his face, as he monotonously asked, "What?"

If he'd hoped to convince Meg that nothing had taken place, he failed more miserably than he did his subjects at school. The woman did, after all, know him better than his own mother. "You see, normally, I might me tempted to merely believe that little exchange to be you chatting up yet another girl," she whispered conspiratorially, a twinkle in her searching eyes that bore into his, "but something tells me there's far more to it than that."

"I have no idea what you mean, Aunt Meg," he stated flatly, begging inwardly for her to stop.

"You see, I don't think you could possibly have got over Rory quite so soon, to be flirting with other girls already."

"I've shelved the latest stock already. Is there anything else?"

"You thought it was her."

"Aren't you expecting another shipment in already?"

"You clearly can't get her off your mind."

"They're already late, right?"

"Which once again begs the question, why did you come back?"

"You want me to wait out in front for them?"

"Stop trying to escape, Jess. Stop trying to run away," she pleaded softly, knowing his hurt. 

He locked eyes with Meg for a last moment, before looking away, mumbling, "I'll wait in front for the delivery." He turned and retreated, shoulders hunched over, his mind clearly occupied with things that had nothing to do with the latest shipment.

***

Jess shoved his hands into his jacket pockets as he paced back and forth on the street pavement. He knew Meg was watching him, so he looked anywhere but inside the store. She'd be needing help soon, and he knew that shipment wasn't coming any time soon, but he just could not face Meg right then, not when all he could think about was her.

He sat down on the sidewalk, pulling the pack of cigarettes out of his back pocket. He lit one up, his mind wandering far from his surroundings. He smoked less now; it was only when he was troubled that he indulged in his old habit. It was one of the changes she had brought to his life.

Rory… The sweet smile and bright warmth she had given him on their first meeting, the one which always remained hidden in the depths of her eyes. It had touched something in him, stirred him deeply, and he had felt the instant connection to that strange girl, as if he'd known her all his life. Those blue eyes embraced him, had always lain in the back of his mind, and now, they haunted him.

He shut his eyes, desperately trying to stop thinking of her, to shove back the emotions he'd bottled in after witnessing what they had—_he_ had—done to her. His hands trembled as he brought the cigarette to his lips, drawing in a shaky drag of smoke. His fingers could not stop quivering; he clenched his fists together, arms resting on his knees, as he focused on a spot on the road, willing his mind to return to reality. Any longer and he knew Meg would call him back in, and he would have to face her questions soon…

The delivery van made a timely appearance, for once showing up when it was needed. Releasing that long breath, he stubbed out the cigarette, then hoisted the first carton that was passed to him by the delivery guy. The weight was comforting as he retreated into the store, studiously avoiding the gaze of Meg as she came out to check the order and sign for the delivery. The workload was cranking up again; the rush crowd was due soon enough. Jess Mariano could escape again.

***

A/N: Okay, I feel absolutely terrible right now, 'cuz I know I said I'd post a longer update this time round, but I realised that the chapter really was best ended off here… if not, the chapter would just be TOO long. So so so incredibly sorry… The next update will definitely come sooner though! In the meantime, click on that lovely little button that says "GO"!!! :0)


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Yeesh… so incredibly sorry for the ridiculously long delay between updates… Life has, unfortunately, decided to dump a whole lotta crap on me when I wasn't quite ready for it… The good news is, the whole story's done! But it won't quite be concluded in this chapter… About three more to come, then I'm through! Few minor points to note, previous chapters have been changed to alter the formatting… Also a couple of typos fixed… To all who've reviewed, thanks so much for all your comments! Truly appreciated. To , sorry if the pace has seemed slow, but the thing is, the story kinda concludes when Jess goes back to Stars Hollow… In fact, it ends in New York. My apologies if you've felt the story to be too slow… To the rest, hope you're still enjoying the story! Remember, do R&R please!!! :0)

Disclaimer: Have you not read the previous four chapters?? I own nothing!! I wish I did… But I don't. :0(

***

Closing had been awkward. Once the customers had trickled out, he had tried in vain to appear busy, with Meg standing over his shoulders, the questions in her eyes and hanging in the air. He'd made a feeble excuse of Liz wanting to talk to him, but he knew she knew it was a lie. He never had been able to lie to Aunt Meg; she simply knew him too well.

He left the store with a standard "See ya", then turned onto the road home. But home was the last place he wanted to be, knowing full well that the solitude of the apartment and the company of the books he'd brought back would only drive his mind back to her. Plus, Liz might actually have been home, and he was in no mood to face her. Nonetheless, his legs, not knowing where else to go, carried him on the route home, while his mind stayed in that thick fog of Rory.

He couldn't stop thinking of her. The emotions he'd tried so hard to bottle up were spilling over, and anyone who'd noticed him would have thought he was lost. He was. He hated the way he felt now that he was so far from her, yet he could not deny that even here in the city he'd grown up knowing and loving, that gave him a rush of exhilaration whenever he walked in its streets, just as he was doing now, he was still horridly lost.

He shoved his hands further into the pockets of his jacket, zipped up against the chilly night. The cold emptiness that consumed him slowly abated when his fingertips brushed the cold metal in his pockets. A thought began to germinate in his head, against his will and better sense of judgement. Unwittingly, he shook the pockets, comforted yet appalled by the resounding jingling response.

It was unthinkable… He couldn't possibly do it… Could he? There couldn't have been anything more stupid for him to do now-- yet why did the thought of it feel so damn right?

He was on his street now, just half a block from the apartment. But there was a pay phone on the next block. It would be so simple…

__

Mariano, don't be an idiot, just turn left after another twenty metres, you'll be home safe, nothing else will happen.

But what _could_ possibly happen? They _were_ friends, weren't they? Well, she certainly may not have exactly reciprocated his feelings for her, but she had enjoyed his company enough not to chase him away. They talked, hung out, read the same books, liked the same music… That certainly could fall under the category of friends. And friends… called each other, didn't they?

__

No, Mariano, **don't**. You have no idea what one insane act can lead to, it's always been this way! Just look at your life, dammit!

Well, what harm could a long-distance phone call possibly do? She was in Stars Hollow, he was in New York. He was just a guy calling a friend in a place he'd left. Nothing wrong with that at all.

__

No, Jess, don't do this, this is stupid, it's suicidal, you'll just get yourself in deeper shit…

But it was too late. His legs now knew where they were going, and they took him right by the building. The angel had taken on the devil, and had lost. Or had it won?

***

He hung up the phone, a small smile on his face. That hadn't gone too badly, now, had it? A little small talk, a neutral goodbye-- what could possibly have gone wrong? He had been so hesitant about doing it before, but now, only satisfaction and joy remained. It had been good to hear her voice.

A tingle still remained on his fingertips, that passed through his entire body. He turned to leave, but still felt the weight of his remaining coins. It would be more than enough…

Impulsively, he grabbed the phone off the hook again, inserting coins as his fingers instinctively dialled the numbers that he'd never dialled before, but still knew by heart. It rang once, twice… _There's no point. Why am I doing this? He's probably still closing up anyway._

Jess was about to hang up, stop himself from doing something truly stupid, when the ringing stopped. He heard a muffled curse, then the gruff voice answered. "Hello?"

He froze at the sound, his mind wheeling, as he desperately ran over his options, all the time kicking himself for having even dialled.

"_Hello?_" The voice wasn't getting any more patient. "Kirk, if this is you calling about that damn wallet again, it was never there!"

Jess quickly hung up, cursing himself for having made this detour. He released a long breath, his thoughts clashing in waves in his head. He sounded fine, perfectly normal. Didn't show any signs at all…

__

Signs of **what**, Mariano? the voice in his head questioned abruptly. Told you you should never have done this. _You should've just gone home, Mariano, and **stayed** there._ At this point, Jess had to concur.

***

A/N: Hmm… Yep, the story's taking on a different turn… _That's_ why this isn't really a full-on Literati. Comments? Complaints? Like it? Despise it? Let me know! :0)


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: The world is a turbulent place. Things are always changing in the blink of an eye. Unfortunately, things on fan fiction don't quite change so easily. What am I trying to say? I still don't own anything. (Especially not the dialogue ripped right off the show.)

A/N: Hmm… I could've sworn this was supposed to be longer. Guess it's still short. Okay, I know the chapters have been really skimpy so far, so maybe I shouldn't have broken the whole story into so many parts… Nonetheless, I hope you guys still read the fic, and enjoy it! Reviews are, once again, truly appreciated…

***

Jess literally did not sleep that night. He was consumed by thoughts of Rory, thoughts of Luke. Reading did nothing; everything he had with him seemed to hit too close to home, and sent his mind right back to Stars Hollow. He was feeling an itch; he knew that following on his next instinct would only screw things up even more.

He spent the hours till dawn sitting out on the fire escape, smoking the last of his pack. When the sky lightened, he retreated into the apartment again, his mind still in a haze. He got into the shower, hoping to clear his mind and wash away the previous night's feelings, but the only solution he could think of lay in the place he least wanted to go to right now.

He knew he had no choice. It was either face her, or risk doing something far worse. He forced himself to leave the apartment and head down there again, single-mindedly focused on reaching his destination, and not veer off onto another foolish detour like the night before.

Meg's wasn't due to open for another two hours, but he knew she would already be there. A questioning look greeted him at the door, concern mingled in her face when she noticed the heavy eyebags. 

"Jess, hon, is everything all right?"

He wordlessly entered the store, as Meg stood watching him. He couldn't look her in the eye, not now. "It's… Yeah, there's… Everything's fine."

Meg gently touched his arm, trying to make the boy look at her. "Jess, what's wrong?"

Jess flinched at her touch, still averting his eyes. "Nothing, everything's fine. It's just…" _God, Jess, just do it already._ He steeled himself, then looked at her. "Can I have the day off?"

Meg looked at him, and knew it was what he needed. "Of course, hon, it won't be a problem."

He'd turned away from her, unable to keep up the pretense for much longer. He wandered into the aisles, looking for what he wanted… needed. His eyes spotted it soon enough, right in the shelf where he'd left it. He picked up the copy of Wolfe, and faced Meg again. "Meg, y'mind if I--"

"Sure, go ahead."

He gave her a small smile, then walked past her, studiously avoiding her stern, concerned gaze as he fished out a ten and a five which he left on the counter, before leaving.

***

He was so lost in Wolfe's words that he never thought back on his words from the night before. If he had, it might have occurred to him the unwitting impact that his farewell might have had on her. An observer might have even construed it to be a carefully conducted litmus test, to find out for once and for all how she felt about him.

But it was not. Her voice had intoxicated him, just as the words before him did so now, and he had drifted, not realising what he'd said. So when he heard her voice again, he almost thought he had imagined it, being jerked out of his reverie so abruptly, that he barely had time to register the events, to question the peculiarity of it all, before turning to see her face, and be lost in her presence once more.

***

It was like an afternoon in paradise. Just the two of them; no annoying townsfolk watching them, no crazed mother set to charge him at any moment, no uncle ready to pull the reins and crack the whip-- just him and Rory. In fact, it _should_ have been an afternoon in paradise-- yet it wasn't. He didn't want to say anything, just wanted to enjoy the company of a friend, but it still nagged at him in the back of his mind, throughout the afternoon. He didn't want to ask it, for fear of her answer, yet it was for that same reason that the question refused to go away.

He finally mustered the courage to ask, but it was only after she had got on the bus. _Coward._

"Why did you come here?" He didn't even think she could hear him, but she evidently did, and opened the window.

"What?"

So she hadn't heard his words. _Oh, just do it, Mariano!_ "I said, why did you come here?"

"Well--"

"I mean, you ditched school and everything. That's so not you. Why'd you do it?"

He waited for her response, his eyes searching hers for the answer. "Because you didn't say goodbye." _Huh._

"Oh. Bye, Rory."

"Bye, Jess."

He had a _LOT_ of thinking to do.

***

A/N: Once again, would love to hear your thoughts… Come on, now! Don't be shy! Click the lovely button below! :0)


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Nyeh, still own nothing…

A/N: Penultimate chapter now. Special thanks to all who've reviewed: tigress33, Neurotic Coffee, marie, ophelia, melia, Luke Rules, Green Eve, mocha-queen, Tara, and rebecca. Your comments are truly appreciated! For those who're asking again, yes, as in the show, Jess returns to SH, but as mention before, the story ends in NY. This chapter starts the end of Jess's last weekend in NY… at least for now. Once again, R&R please! :0)

***

Meg noticed the change in Jess immediately. Not that there was much to notice. Most who knew him wouldn't even have thought anything of it. After all, he was still moody, laconic, and guarded; in fact, if he was anything else, then there was cause to worry. Nonetheless, she picked up on the differences: his feet seemed to drag that little bit more, the raincloud she always imagined over his head greyer, more imminent, the incandescence in his eyes whenever he hit the shelves somewhat diminished. It was almost as though he was pained to be there amongst all those books, something utterly inconceivable for Jess Mariano.

He spoke less, smiled-- or rather, smirked-- less, had less quips to make about peculiar departing customers-- something that had become quasi-ritualistic these past few weeks. When they closed up he was out of there in a flash, not hanging around to prolong the return home until she practically had to threaten to lock him up in the store overnight. (Not that it ever really deterred him…) She thought she'd whipped up the ultimate trump card with an offer of a free dinner in the store, catered by the good people of the nearby pizza place, but he had actually turned it down. That was all the confirmation she needed that something was definitely up. Normally, that pizza would have been enough to pry anything out of him. 

__

I just have to change my tactics then…

***

Late Thursday morning, Jess walked in as usual, ready to start his day's work, oblivious to the fact that the ball was set to roll on a series of events that would change his life.

It started after he grunted his usual morning greeting to Meg. She strode right past him, her usually soft features hard and determined. He spun around, hearing the click of the lock, and saw her flipping the sign from 'Open' to 'Closed'. Before the questions could even reach his lips, Meg turned her attention back to him, firmly gripping his shoulders as she pushed him backwards and planted him on the stool behind the counter.

"Talk."

"What?!"

"_Talk._"

He saw the look in her eyes and knew what she was asking. He tried to resist, tried to stop it, but the words came pouring out of his mouth. "She came."

The light bulb labelled "Understanding" lit up in her eyes. "Last Thursday?"

He nodded.

"Why?"

He shrugged. "Beats me."  


"You think she loves you too?"

He froze.

"Do you think so?"

Admitting defeat under Meg's scrutiny, he shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, she came out here in the middle of school, it's just-- not her. Isn't that supposed to… _mean_ something?"

"Doing something uncharacteristic of her?"

"Yeah."

"Well, the Jess Mariano I knew would never have run away."

That left him silent.

"What did she say?"  


"That I 'didn't say goodbye'."

"Did you want to?"

__

I might as well say it. "No."

__

'The boy somehow seemed to be asking for absolutely nothing and absolutely everything all at the same time.' "Why did you come back?"

"Well, one person's hardly reason enough to stay in that place."

"But it's not just one person, is it?"

Again, Jess was struck silent.

A tapping from the window made them both jump. Meg recognised the gentleman outside as a regular customer of hers. So did Jess.

"Aunt Meg, you can't afford to keep the store closed all day."

"Of course I can," she shot back, a little more sharply than Jess had expected, taking him aback for a moment. But he saw the soft look in her eyes. "Some things are simply more important."

The tap sounded again. Meg turned back to signal to her awaiting customer, who impatiently checked his watch, but Jess had already slid off the stool, taking the initiative to get the door. Meg stopped him, her grip firm yet gentle. "Take the day and the rest of the weekend off, Jess."

"But the store--"

"I'll be fine. Don't worry about it." Meg then suddenly thought of something, and she quickly strode to the shelves to get it. "Take this, and just go home, okay?"

He looked at the book she'd pressed into his hands, and absently nodded, gripping it tightly. His eyes were still on it as he unlocked the door and left, letting in the waiting customer.

"Meg, so sorry to have to interrupt, but I _have_ to get my wife's present by today," he said by ways of greeting.

"Oh, Gareth, I completely forgot you had to get that! I had other emergencies to tend to," she explained.

"Yeah, I saw. You never told me you had a son."

Meg never did correct Gareth.

***

Jess sat locked in his room all day long, holding the book in his hands. 'About a Boy'. He'd read it before, many times, but hadn't touched it since he went to Stars Hollow. Right now, it seemed utterly appropriate for him to read it, but he could never start from the beginning, his thumbs always inevitably flipping through the pages, seeking out the sentences that haunted him.

He couldn't stop thinking of what Meg had said, what she had clearly seen in his own eyes, and what he had until then ignored and refused to acknowledge. There _was_ more than one person keeping him tethered to that freak town, and he could not take his mind off them now-- especially not with that book in his hands.

He slept fitfully that night, his mind rampant with dreams of coffee and sledgehammers, pancakes and spatulas, musty books and grilled hamburgers. 

***

A/N: Last chapter coming… The finale is looming, as is the final reason for which Jess finally returns to his true home. In the meantime, don't forget… R&R please!!! :0)


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Still own nothing… Sad as it may be…

A/N: The last chapter is finally upon us… Thanks to all who've been reading and reviewing for reading and reviewing, and do please drop a comment! All comments are very much welcome… I won't be posting another story for awhile, not until inspiration strikes. In the meantime, enjoy the final chapter! :0)

A/N 2: Erm… there might be a few more Hornby references in here than there should be… Hope it's not too disruptive to the reading process…

***

Jess stumbled out of bed late the next morning. His eyes were puffy, his hair resembling a bird's nest, his walk veering unsteadily from the lack of sleep, and his stomach empty and growling. He headed for the kitchen, hoping to find anything resembling food, but instead found himself looking at a virtual mirror image.

"What're you still doing here?"

Liz was bent over the kitchen sink, the filth still visible on the edges of her mouth. She wiped it away with the back of her hand, before turning the tap on to wash away the evidence of her nightly escapades. "Oh, Jess, it's you."

"Were you expecting someone else?" he bit back, the thoughts of the previous night out of his mind for awhile as he tumbled back to the harsh reality of his New York life, pre-Stars Hollow. "And shouldn't you be getting drunk at your job?" he sneered.

"Unh… I'm not feeling too well," she groaned as she retreated to the couch, collapsing on it.

"Well, that's a shocker," he quipped, the edge in his voice razor-sharp.

"What're you still doing here anyway? Don't you have school?" Her voice was weak, tired of going through the same routines again.

"No, you never informed the school that I'm back."

Liz emitted another groan as her hand went to her forehead. "Oh my god, I completely forgot about that!" _No surprise there, either._ "And Luke told me again and again, reminding me to do it…"

__

Luke? Jess froze completely. It was the first time since his first day back that he had actually heard the name spoken by someone who was not part of his Stars Hollow life, and he felt the wrench in his gut when Liz uttered it. There, in that filthy apartment he had called home all his life, with the stench of stale cigarette smoke hanging in the air and the afternoon sunlight dim and grey, the dust particles lit as visible specks floating about him, Jess suddenly felt like a lost boy, yearning for… _home_.

"Jess." His thoughts were jolted back to earth by the sound of Liz speaking his name, in a soft and gentle manner he was more accustomed to hearing from Meg than from his own mother. He turned his eyes on her, meeting her pleading gaze, and his mother suddenly looked to him as frail and desperate as she had never seemed to him before, yet only now he saw her for what she normally was.

"Why did you come back here?" she continued, echoing the words that Meg had repeatedly asked him.

It was this echo, this unaccustomed hint of Meg that suddenly appeared in his mother, that threw him off, that dulled the sharp edge with which he usually treated Liz. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, why do you want to leave a good place and come back to this… _hellhole_?"

Jess snorted in derision, not believing the words he was hearing. "You've got to be kidding me."

"No, I'm serious here, Jess! I lived in Stars Hollow for the first half of my life, I knew you'd hate it, but you're so much better off there than you are here!"

Jess was beginning to fume. "I'm better off there? I'm openly _despised_ there! At least here I don't have to put up with that crap."

"And then what? Here, you'll just get yourself in trouble again, and I won't be able to get you out of it the next time!" That left him silent. "God, Jess, you don't get it, do you? I can't take care of you here--"

"I don't _need_ anyone to take care of me!" Jess shouted back to her, his anger bubbling to the surface and boiling over. 

"Yes, you do, Jess!"

"Oh really?" He was on a roll now. "Well, you haven't cared for me one bit these past 17 years, and I'm still doing just fine!"

Jess wasn't Liz's son for nothing, and she responded in kind, despite her continued discomfort. "Oh yeah? Is that so? You call getting arrested for stealing a car 'doing just fine'? You're _not_ doing just fine, Jess! I don't want you to go down that path that I'm on! You have a future ahead of you. That future could be ruined if you stay here. I don't want that to happen to you." Jess was by this point taken aback by the tears flowing down Liz's face.

Liz drew in a breath, then continued. "You need someone to care for you, Jess. I can't. But Luke _can_. I mean, you probably wouldn't even be alive if he hadn't come to help me out."

"What?" The words that Liz had said caught Jess completely unawares. 

"He came to live in New York for a couple of months, when you were really young… About two, I think."

Jess was utterly stunned. "But Luke hates the city. He can't even stand Hartford."

Liz chuckled slightly at that. "I know, but he still came anyway." She wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand, and continued. "Your father was in jail at the time. You were still so young, and so active, and there I was, a complete wreck… Luke really took good care of you, and helped me get back on my feet. I don't even want to _think_ of what could have happened if he hadn't come…"

Jess was bowled over by what Liz had just said. He collapsed on the couch next to his mother. There was so much he had to ask, so much to say… "Huh."

Mother and son sat in silence, so much to say between them that had already been said, yet so much more that hung between them. One knew the other could not stay home; the other knew that he had to go home.

***

Meg awoke early Sunday morning, going about her usual routine, but she had sensed something was different. Her heart seemed lightened, yet a sadness hung over her as well. She soon found out why when she reached her store. The book had been placed on the doorstep, as she had been expecting to find it. She picked it up, her thumbs easily finding the pages between which the note had been placed. It was simple, non-descript, plainly written in familiar writing.

__

Thanks, Aunt Meg, but I already have a copy back in Stars Hollow.

Her boy had finally gone home to his Will.

***

A/N: Well, the journey has finally come to an end, and Jess has finally returned home.. Thanks to all who've reviewed for reviewing, and for those who haven't… Well, what're you waiting for? :0)


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